MEN’S Mental Health Week (9-15 June) offers an important opportunity for men across the UK to reflect on their mental health.
To mark the week and shine a light on the mental strain that having a seriously ill child can take on fathers, the children’s brain tumour charity Tom’s Trust is sharing the story of dad Martin from Woodbridge, Suffolk.
Martin’s daughter Camille was diagnosed with an Ependymoma brain tumour in 2009 at just 16 months old. The moment Martin and his wife were told of Camille’s diagnosis; he immediately experienced a strong emotional response.
Martin recalled:
“I don’t think anything can ever prepare you for when your child is diagnosed with such a serious illness. I remember just breaking down after the doctor had left the room and for the rest of the day, I was quite emotional.”
As soon as the diagnosis was confirmed and Camille was admitted into Addenbrooke’s Hospital, Martin was offered overnight emergency accommodation, whilst his daughter was being cared for. He remembers the emotional strain of the situation weighing heavily on him, before he came to his own realisation that he had to be the pillar of strength for his family.
Martin remembered:
“I woke up in the morning in what was an old nurse’s accommodation, and I cried again a lot. Then I realised that what I actually had to try and do, was to be as strong as possible for my wife Hayley, Camille and my other daughter, and the situation that we were in.”
Turning his heartache into a point of action, Martin decided to maintain the same mentality throughout the entirety of Camille’s treatment with both his wife and daughter’s well-being in mind.
He said:
“I don’t know if I cried then in front of them again, at all. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be as resolute and as positive as possible for them, too.”
Camille underwent a total of two years of gruelling treatment, which included high dose chemo, three brain tumour resections and a programme of aggressive radiotherapy. Whilst Martin’s wife, Hayley, lent into the emotional side of this difficult experience, Martin found himself leaning towards the clinical side.
He attended technical meetings with the neurosurgeon to understand the processes and the science behind each procedure, which he recognises now as a coping mechanism.
Martin recalled:
“Going through the treatment cycle with Camille and trying to understand what the next step would be was quite comforting to me – being process-driven seeing a process in front of me and seeing steps to go forward was important.”
Subsequently, it was only when Camille’s treatment finished and she began her journey into her new normal, which came with its own set of challenges, that Martin realised how much his mental health had silently also been affected over time.
Martin explained:
“You realise you’ve probably bottled-up lots and lots of emotions over many months and years, and it doesn’t come out very often – but it can. It can expose itself in an explosion of emotions, and it can be quite a powerful experience when it does happen.”
Later into Camille’s treatment Tom’s Trust was founded and their clinical psychologist team worked with Camille and Martin and his family to process what they had all been through and prepare for what was to come.
Reflecting on the help of Tom’s Trust, Martin said:
“Tom’s Trust is an incredibly important service for us and for many other families in the same situation.”
Martin also acknowledged that whilst going through such a traumatic experience, you may exhibit a range of emotions – some expected, and some unexpected. He noted that Tom’s Trust provided him with a space to be vulnerable with each one of his feelings.
He said:
“It’s really important that you’re not judged for either being too low, too emotional, or too guarded, and having the support of a team, like Tom’s Trust has been incredibly important to us to have that space to talk openly.”
Reflecting on his journey as a parent during this time, with his mental health considered, Martin notes that taking care his own health should have also taken precedence, whilst recognising the importance of opening up and talking.
Martin said:
“I don’t know if we opened up enough during the whole process and, actually, if we have issues now, I think we’d find it a lot easier to drive conversations and self-reflect. I think at the time we were so worried about Camille’s health that we didn’t reflect on our own too much.”
Dr Lynda Teape, Director of Services Development at Tom’s Trust, recognises how common such powerful experiences are from men who are in similar life-changing experiences, where they’re at the forefront of their family.
She said:
It was incredibly moving to hear from Martin. Sadly, such stories from men who feel they need to be strong and provide for the family, at the expense of their own well-being, are not uncommon.
“When your child receives the devastating diagnosis of a brain tumour, it is very normal to want to focus on your child and do whatever it takes to get them, and your family, through treatment and to put your own needs last.
“However, as we heard from Martin, this often comes at a personal cost, when the treatment finishes and you’re left with all this raw, unprocessed emotion.”
Dr Lynda also highlights the importance of not only opening up but also finding a method to deal with the potential difficulties that comes with such a traumatic diagnosis, and how Tom’s Trust can continue to support fathers such as Martin through speaking to a clinical psychologist.
Dr Lynda said:
“We recognise that every child, every family and every circumstance is unique, so there is not going to be one single approach or formula that will work for everyone.
“This is why speaking with your Tom’s Trust psychologist is so valuable in enabling you to work through what has happened and find what it is that you need, to stay well and be present for your child and family.
“Speaking to a psychologist is not a sign that you are failing or a weakness. In fact, it shows incredible strength to be able to open up to someone and be willing to have those conversations, which will benefit you and those around you.”
If you or someone you know is seeking mental health support, please contact the below helplines:
Movember’s support page links – Movember – Men’s Health.
Calm’s emergency advice links – Use our tools and get help for your mental health | Mind – Mind.
Samaritans – Call 116 123 (lines are open 24 hours a day seven days a week), or email jo@samaritans.org.
